Category: Parenting

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Twins in school: My always-together girls

My husband and I took our three-and-a-half year old daughters to a little “play date” session at a local private school. Really, of course, this play date was an admissions event.

Already, I have a number of reservations about applying to private schools. I grew up going to public schools, and overall, I got a fine education. I realize I was lucky and that I grew up in neighborhoods with good schools.

Additionally, private schools are expensive, and my husband and I hover in that middle range of the middle class where we don’t make enough to send our kids to private schools, and we don’t fall into the range of people who qualify for financial aid.

But, we live in the Los Angeles area, where good public schools are few and far between, so we have to hedge our bets and explore lots of options for the time being. At least we live in a neighborhood where the public school has a good reputation. So, my husband and I agreed to just check out all the possibilities and watch where the chips fall.

So that’s how we found ourselves at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning, taking our kids to meet strangers who would be evaluating their academic and social prowess.

This particular school has a stellar reputation, and a number of friends of mine have sent their kids there. I also have a number of former students who have gone to this school, all with the same rave reviews.

So I went with the best expectations.

When we got there, we were invited into a large multi-purpose room where there was friendly kiddie music playing. The kids were all playing with the giant blocks and having a nice time.

I watched as a teacher approached Dinah and asked her to come with her. Suddenly, seeing this teacher approach only Dinah, I realized that they were going to separate the girls for the session.

I went up to the teacher and asked if this were the case. She wasn’t even aware that there were twins coming! And she said that yes, they probably were going to be separated, and that if they came to the school, they would probably be separated then too.

Now, as a teacher and a parenting writer who regularly receives electronic news feeds about twins and multiples, I am a double ringer. So, I decided not to make too big an issue out of it. After all, I figured, maybe Dinah and Djuna would do fine being separated. Who knew?

But, I couldn’t help thinking, that the current trend is not to separate twins in school. There is even a law being proposed in New Hampshire that would prohibit schools from automatically separating twins in school. (Read here for more information.)

The kids all eventually scampered out with their respective teachers, and it was hard to see, in all the hustle-bustle, just which kids were with which teachers.

Dwayne and I waited in the room with the other parents, and the kiddie music continued to play in the background. We chatted with a family we knew, but I was distracted, thinking that my always-together girls would be apart.

In fact, they were separated. The parents were invited to wander through the school for a bit, and we caught sight of Dinah and Djuna at different times in the playground. They seemed content enough, but somehow sedate, not my sparky, sparkly daughters.

As a teacher, I get it. I know that the teachers only wanted to see the girls in their individual state. That’s OK. But would you say to a tiny, young individual, “You know, we want to see how you do this try-out session without your right arm. If you are truly strong and smart, you’ll figure out how to cope without that arm. You have another one, after all.” The cherished all-American value of independence is different for tiny twins.

How can I explain to people who don’t have twins that being a twin is an integral part of their existence? That when I was in the hospital with one daughter when she was one-and-a-half that she woke in the night, calling for her twin? That on the few occasions when we have separated and done different things with the girls, that they run to each other and hug when they are reunited? That they have a multitude of jokes that only they understand?

Things are different as twins grow older, I’m sure, and I know that different twins have different needs too. But, shouldn’t teachers at least ask what’s best for my twins? Funnily enough, without my husband and I asking the girls specifically, they have both told us that they missed each other yesterday morning.

It made me have a newfound appreciation for Mama Pete, the woman who runs the girls’ current preschool. She’s over 90 years old and has been running her preschool for over 50 years. In her holiday card to us, she wrote something along this line: “Dinah and Djuna still pretty much stick together, but that’s completely appropriate for twins at their age.”

Thanks for your wisdom, Mama Pete.

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The house with two of everything

“Welcome to the house with two of everything,” said a friend of mine as he came into our home recently. I hadn’t seen him in awhile, and he caught sight of a pair of chattering Elmo dolls as he entered.

This stung a little.

I am aware that I have a “thing” for toys and that I enjoy them as much, or more, than my kids. I am also aware that my kids have plenty of toys. OK. Even so, we don’t have two of everything.

Since I found out that I was having twins, I’ve been curious about this issue, particularly since I would like to prevent materialism in my kids. When I interviewed twin psychologist Dr. Eileen Pearlman about twin identity for BeTwinned, I asked her about toys and having two of the same thing. If you don’t have time to read the whole Q & A, here’s what she said about the toy concern:

BeTwinned.com: In BeTwinned toy reviews, we want to review toys that are good for sharing, but we also want to review toys that are simply great toys even if they are really best played with alone. Is it OK for parents of twins to buy toys that belong just to one twin, or should twins share everything? And, is it OK for parents of twins and multiples to double-up on some special or highly-desired toys? At first, I was afraid I was spoiling my kids if I bought them each a their own Thomas train, for example.

EP: It’s not just OK, it’s important. In order to be able to share something, you first have to own something. You can’t go straight to sharing. First it has to be learned that this is mine, and then that’s yours, and then OK, we can share.

For someone to have ownership is really important because sometimes what’s on the outside is what is reflected on the inside. If I have my own toys and my own clothes, that means I’m my own person. If I have to share everything on the outside, then do I also have to share my identity and myself inside? So the inside and the outside work together in this way. I think it’s important for parents to be able to give twins their own toys, to be able to have their own thing that they covet. This gives them a sense of ownership, a sense of pride, a sense of identity. Yes, I can see where swings and big-ticket items you could have one that they have to share. But there are certain things where they may want to have one of their own. Maybe they want something a little different, or maybe they want the same thing.

I remember when the Cabbage Patch dolls were in, and one mother told me she was going to get one of her twins a Cabbage Patch doll and the other one something else. And I said, “Well, what if they both want a Cabbage Patch?” Even if they were both singletons, they may both want a Cabbage Patch doll.

It is important for parents to follow their children’s lead to see if they want the same or if they want something different. And if there’s something that’s coveted, we need to listen to them. If they both want to take ballet, fine. But if one wants to take ballet and one wants to take gymnastics, it’d be better to say, OK, this is what I need to do right now. If you both want to take it, fine, but if not, it’s all right.

BeTwinned.com: That’s very empowering. You feel pressure from society’s values that they must always share and that you’re spoiling them if you buy them two Thomases or two Cabbage Patches.

EP: No, you’re not spoiling them at all. There is a lot of pressure. I had a mother in my group just last week – she has 15 month old twin boys. She said, “They should be sharing, they should be the same.” And I said, “Why should they be the same? Even identical twins are not the same.” We need to see where each of them is, and we need to see where they overlap. Sometimes the overlap may be great. I use the example of one twin being a red circle and the other being a yellow circle, there are places where they overlap to make orange. Sometimes there is a big overlap and sometimes there’s not. There’s a lot of red and yellow in each one and there’s orange. So you have to pay attention to all of that.

In terms of encouraging my daughters’ personal interests, I’ve found Dr. Pearlman’s advice about following the child’s lead to be very helpful.

And on the practical, home-management side, sometimes having two of the same thing really helps. For example, depending on the toy, having two can prevent a lot of fights. But, two of the same thing can also create a pain in the butt, like with two cube puzzles someone once gave us. With 30 different blocks in each puzzle and with each side of each cube offering a different picture for one of the six possible puzzles, cleanup of two sets was a nightmare. That’s 360 possible cube sides, folks. A veritable sorting-out disaster, determining which block went with which set. So, happily, one set now has a different home.

As far as gift giving, people do mean well, I know. But it’s almost always best if people just ask first. I have found that the answer to the question of whether to bring two of the same or two different toys is totally different, depending on the item. And sometimes one toy to share is perfect, too. Other times, no toy at all is also a happy alternative.

It occurred to me the other day that as far as sharing toys goes, my own twins have the great advantage of having a built-in best friend with very similar interests. For Christmas, Dinah got a stuffed Lightning McQueen and Djuna got a stuffed Tow Mater (both characters from the movie Cars), and it just delights me to hear one of them say to the other, “Hey! Wanna switch?”

How lucky is that?

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TwinWatch: Meanwhile, back at the ranch …

About TwinWatch @ BeTwinned

by Diana Day

Daddy reading to Dinah and Djuna
Daddy reading to Djuna
and Dinah

I had the opportunity to meet movie producer Bonnie Arnold the other day at a press junket for the upcoming DreamWorks animated feature Over the Hedge (very cute movie, funny, well worth seeing … best for kids who can handle the loud, raucous scenes and the scary bear, very effectively voiced by Nick Nolte; I’ll link to the feature I’m writing when it comes out on May 19, the day of the movie’s release).

Bonnie Arnold produced Toy Story, one of my all-time favorite movies. For having produced such a classic movie, she didn’t appear to have too many secrets of success. She really had one message: tell a good story, and try to work with other people who want to tell a good story too.

In journalism school, learning to tell good stories is a recurring theme. Years ago, in the early 90s, when I was learning to teach kids how to read, it was all about story structure and how kids come to us primed for enjoying and retaining the basic structure of a good story.

But seeing my kids learning to love a good story is more thrilling than seeing it as a writer or as a teacher.

My daughters Dinah and Djuna, 2 1/2, both love to “read” their books. We have truckloads of books and magazines in the house for them to enjoy, and we are starting to appreciate our local library now that the girls don’t run up and down the aisles, giggling wildly. My husband and I read to them at every naptime and bedtime and every time they ask during the day.

They both read stories from memory, as so many kids do. Djuna almost always starts off her retellings by saying, “One day … .”

From a reading specialst’s point of view, this amazes me and proves everything I learned in my teacher’s training. Kids do come with a knack, an instinct, for internalizing story structure.

“One day … ” is the beginning of every story. First, the scene is set, and then “one day” brings you to the problem in the story — that specific day when everything is different from all the other days before it, as in: One day, Miss Gulch came and took Dorothy’s dog away from her family …

And, then, recently, I heard Djuna start to insert a new word into her memory retellings — meanwhile. This excited me even more. Meanwhile! A great transitional word, a word that introduces a plot complication, as in: Meanwhile, as Dorothy ran away from home through the countryside, a great storm was brewing.

When I was a fifth and sixth grade teacher, I often had parents come in and look to me for solidarity when they would turn their noses up at serial books like Nancy Drew mysteries or Bobbsey Twins books, or any number of other formula pulp fiction for kids. (These parents wanted their kids to be reading only high class literature that could guarantee admission to Harvard.)

I was never an ally for these types. I lived and breathed Nancy Drew as a kid, and I still managed to become a successful adult. And now, I firmly believe that anything that reinforces story structure, even if it’s bland and predictable — and sometimes, because it’s predictable — is great for kids to read.

Predictable story structures, complete with their one days and their meanwhiles, are what give children the bedrock they need to deal with more complicated literature, as in: One day, Hamlet returned from college to find his father dead and his mother remarried to his uncle. Meanwhile, people were seeing the ghost of Hamlet’s murdered father out and about in the castle …

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TwinWatch: Separation anxiety

About TwinWatch @ BeTwinned

by Diana Day

We didn’t tell Dinah that she had to go to the doctor until this morning — the morning of the appointment. She had to go for her year’s follow-up to see if the teeny hole in her heart muscle had closed up or whether we’d need to come back next year for another check.

It occurred to Dwayne and I that Dinah and Djuna hadn’t been apart in ages, probably since Djuna went to the hospital over a year ago when she had pneumonia.

The parting went OK — it actually seemed as though both Dinah and Djuna were excited to be alone with a parent. They said goodbye to each other cheerfully enough, and off we went.

Once at the doctor’s office, we waited over an hour to get in. But it was fun and different to hang out with Dinah on her own. I am so used to interacting with both of them at the same time.

At one point, we called home, and Dinah chatted with her Daddy for a minute, and then I suggested to Dwayne that he put Djuna on the phone. When Dinah heard her sister’s voice on the phone, she was thrilled and stunned.

“It’s Djuna,” Dinah said, sporting an enormous smile. The sisters had a little conversation, and both Dwayne and I were touched by their affection for each other.

After the doctor’s appointment — and after hearing that the little hole had thankfully closed up, like most do — I took Dinah to the bookstore, and she picked out a Thomas the Tank Engine book. I asked her what book Djuna might like, and she immediately said, “George and Martha,” naming two subtly hilarious hippos in the children’s stories by James Marshall.

Dinah picked out the George and Martha book she thought Djuna might like.

Once together again, Dinah and Djuna hugged and hugged. Djuna showed Dinah the flowers she had picked for her, and Dinah showed Djuna the book she had chosen for her.

So many moments in the day I am reminded of how great it is to be betwinned!

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TwinWatch: The anxiety of the mom at the hunt

About TwinWatch @ BeTwinned

by Diana Day

My daughter Dinah sat dutifully on the white line with a bewildered look on her face, looking around for the other kids.

Only moments before, the dance teacher had said that class was over and that it was sticker time. So Dinah made her way to the place where the teacher had asked the kids to sit the previous week — the white tape line. But this time, the teacher let the kids gather round her in a big bunch to collect their stickers.

Dinah reminded me of myself in that moment so much that my heart almost burst. The obedient good girl, so intent on following what she thought were the directions, didn’t see that it was all different this week.

I remember so many times in my childhood where I was bewildered like that, so focused on doing the right thing that I ended up missing all the new directions.

I started worrying about the upcoming Easter Egg Hunt in our town, our first hunt with the girls. I was concerned that Dinah would have an experience like the white line, where she would so lose herself in the technicalities that she’d miss the whole egg hunt. My friend suggested that I bring a couple of plastic eggs in my pocket to surreptitiously stuff in Dinah’s or Djuna’s baskets if the need arose.

Hopefully when my daughters are older I won’t be so willing to stack the deck to avoid hurt feelings. Instead, I’ll hopefully be able to let moments just be, figuring that I’ll be there to hug, hold and talk about sad things that have happened.

Hopefully.

But my husband said we’d be fine without an egg stash, so off we went to the hunt, baskets in hand, tempting fate.

Luckily we live in a terrific little town where the volunteer firefighters’ association does the deck-stacking for the parents so they don’t have to do it themselves.

The park was absolutely loaded with generous piles of donated candy, enough so no child could possibly go home empty-handed. Dinah and Djuna hunted like seasoned pros and came home with baskets filled up.

A good time was had by all.

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TwinWatch: Kids sharing a bedroom: Psychologists say it’s not two close for comfort

About TwinWatch @ BeTwinned

by Diana Day

According to an LA Times article, even though many parents today prefer having their children in their own bedrooms, psychologists say that kids can learn valuable lessons by sharing space. This is an interesting question for parents of twins and multiples.

I hope that when BeTwinned officially launches in April that this is the type of question that will get readers commenting and sharing experiences and ideas.